I had a meaningful discussion with my career counsellor this week.
Basically I'm feeling pretty frustrated, not with the company I work at, but rather with myself. This company has been incredibly accommodating on all fronts, and my manager is the best I’ve *ever* had in my career. And I needed this experience to see that even in the best possible case scenario, this shoe just doesn't fit.
I'm realizing that I am working against my true nature, and therefore I will always be "slow" within this particular structure. I wrote an article a while back called "A cat is not a broken dog". A cat is simply a cat, and a cat doesn't really know how to play fetch. It's just not in its nature. Working in this way feels for me like being a cat and trying desperately to play fetch. From my point of view, I'm working miracles on a daily basis. But I think from every other point of view, I'm a broken dog.
But I'm not a broken dog, and I just can't play that role anymore. It takes an incredible amount of energy to work around my natural instincts, and it doesn't leave a lot for being a productive member of my team. And while there are certainly accommodations that could help, I'm realizing that they won't really address this fundamental dissonance.
It's super scary for me to admit this, because there's no going back from this recognition. But I'm being called to step into a more honest framing of who I am, regardless of how scary it is.