Recently a woman in my neighbourhood asked me out for coffee. We’d had some great convos in the past little while, and I’m single right now, so I was excited to spend more time with her.
When we went out, she shared more about her life, and it became pretty clear that she had a partner. You know when someone all of a sudden starts speaking in the Royal We: “… ya we’re going to do this thing this weekend …”. I suddenly realized: I was the only one of us on a date. She was having coffee with a friend. When she wouldn’t let me pay, I knew for sure I was missing some context on her end.
I was the only one of us on a date. She was having coffee with a friend.
We still had a great convo. She’s very easy to talk to, and a pleasure to be around. But I could feel myself progressively shutting down as I tried to rapidly recalibrate what I was hoping for. It was jarring.
Afterwards, I felt a sense of loss. I walked for a while, wondering how I misread what felt like very obvious signals. If my intuition for a woman’s signals is this off, what does that mean? Are my signal-picker-uppers somehow not calibrated to “real human woman” mode?
Are my signal-picker-uppers somehow not calibrated to “real human woman” mode?
I could feel my interaction with this woman becoming more and more ominous for me. This is normally the moment when I’ll ghost on someone. In the past, those ominous feelings have made it really hard to continue interacting with a person. But now that I have more context about myself as someone on the spectrum, I know that I do need support from loved ones in these moments. And if I can accept that support, I can proceed much more intentionally.
This is normally the moment when I’ll ghost on someone.
So I reached out to some people who I love and trust to talk about my experience: my ex-wife, another female friend, and my men’s group. My ex showed up for me in a big way, helping me transition from a narrative of negative self-talk, to simply being more curious and asking clarifying questions. The men in my men’s group also gave me really valuable feedback, assuring me it was reasonable of me to interpret the signals I was getting the way I did, and encouraging me to own up to my experience with her directly, in a straightforward way. This would align my communication with her with my felt experience, and give us a chance for an authentic connection … this time as friends.
I needed to align my communication with her with my felt experience, to give us a chance for an authentic connection
I’m not going to lie; I rehearsed this, a lot. I wanted to give her enough context to understand why I was even mentioning this to her, since I was concerned it would be weird for her that I was sharing such a raw thing. I wanted it to be clear that I was fully respecting her boundaries and her partnership. Talking about my felt experience is my hack for turning difficult feelings into genuine connection.
Talking about my felt experience is my hack for turning difficult feelings into genuine connection.
I asked her for 15 minutes of her time, and she agreed to meet up. I told her I had trouble relaxing into that moment in the coffee shop with her, not because I don’t think she’s great, but because I was internally reframing our interaction in real-time after realizing she was in a partnership. And frankly, I would’ve appreciated her dropping the B-bomb a little earlier, so I didn’t get my hopes going in the wrong direction. I needed to get that off my chest in order to be able to enjoy a friendship with her.
She was actually very welcoming of the conversation. She recognized how I misinterpreted her, and apologized for not being more upfront about her partnership. She thanked me for letting her know now, and not holding onto it.
With that out of the way, I felt a lot more at ease. And that was my confirmation that I’d done the right thing. From that moment on, I felt like I was showing up with her as my full self.
From that moment on, I felt like I was showing up with her as my full self.
We did another lap around the park, and I felt like I was able to drop in with her more fully. We talked about my experience as a single dad so far, which she was aware was a lot for me right now. She asked if I had a good connection with my son through the separation, and I said I felt we’d actually increased the love in our family by separating. My son and I have had more chances to connect just the two of us, and my ex and I are supporting each other even more now. She said it gave her chills to hear that.
She gave me a warm hug, and we talked about finding me a single lady in her network :)
Though I was initially disappointed that I wouldn’t have an intimate connection with this woman, I realized that what we’d just done was also a meaningful form of connection for me. I was able to move from shutting down to opening up. Sharing my felt experience cleared the way for me to show up as myself. And on her end, it was quite welcome. It gave her chills.
Dating on the spectrum
Wow! PJ I got chills reading this. Not often I find a man willing to show their vulnerability in such a public forum. I thank you for sharing how you navigate through life, showing up for yourself and others while standing in your truth.
I wish that everyone in the world would come at it with such honesty! Good for you for taking what could have been a devastating experience and turning it into an incredible learning opportunity and a chance at new and positive relationships 💚