Today I feel like a failure.
I feel this way sometimes, when I compare where I’d like to be in my life, and how I’d like to feel inside, with the reality of my life. I see a big gap, and I feel a bit hopeless.
Right now, when I think about going to work tomorrow, and going to the various meetings I’ve set up, I’m panicking.
I’ve experienced this over and over in my life. I now understand that PDA folks are depleted by demands, that we experience a fight-or-flight response when there’s an exogenous demand, especially when we’re low capacity.
But this past week I had a meeting with a colleague from my cannabis coaching program. I gave a talk to my class a couple of months back about my story, and what I’ve learned about myself following my autism diagnosis. She said she felt a lot of people would benefit from hearing it.
I feel that too. But I struggle to accept this limitation I feel ashamed of.
What I’m trying to remember is, I’m breaking a cycle of my own that has played out again and again. I’m committing to listening to my body. I’m committing to not driving with the breaks on anymore.
I still don’t know how to reconcile my desire to have a life, with the inevitable demands it brings. On days like today, the answer feels far away.
Cycle breaker
Hi PJ,
I have been thinking a lot about this very thing and how it shows up in my life. I saw an image the other day that is helping to inspire me. While meditating on this subject I saw a huge grey mountain and I felt total panic- it was huge and insurmountable. I thought about how often I just race at things only to exhaust myself and then retreat. I thought how about I quit expecting to be able to conquer something this huge with sheer concentrated force but rather be alright with slowly chipping away at it? Maybe most of it can actually remain in the path if I can just chip a big enough hole to walk through- imperfect, not as impressive as total demolition but actually possible! I keep thinking about that image and I am going to truly try to give myself permission and the grace required to just chip away...as much as I can each day.
Do you know about the FB profile "Please Don't At me" If so, I love the info. If not, check it out :) I bet you will like it.
Renee